Asap, again
11072025 - 02
I'm leaving him tomorrow.
I made a promise with myself at 19: "My 20s is for learning rather than earning."
20s, from what i know, is for climbing coporate ladder, climb as high as i can. 20s is to know the most, explore the most, strategize the most, party the most, be drunk and puke my heart out the most, wander the most, then, lost the most - without being judged by anyone, and most importantly - myself.
The 19-year-old me loves to daydream. He daydreamt about one day he would become a partner at Big 4 so that he could "fly around the world, faboulously meet people in fancy outfits, one hand hold a cup of Americano, the other hand hold a bunch of papers. Sunglasses is on. He walk fast, it's 9AM in the morning, in the middle of a big city, the street is wet, it's New York City perhaps?! He make money, he make friends, he make himself happy".
29-year-old me can do that now, but without being an Auditor - My major and my family's set-up, nor Advertiser - my chosen job for the past 10 years. I would say that i have reached that level in my late 20s, i am proud of myself, a lot. I am proud of myself for achieving my 19-year-old self's dream.
29-year-old me realise that: I made that dream happened, but I was not "happy".
I still daydream now, but from a brand new pair of sunglasses.
I daydream about being free. I daydream about being creative. I daydream about making everyone and everything around me see "beauty".
I daydream about sitting with my laptop in a random cafe, at 9AM in a random city, with a bouquet of flowers that my lover gift me. He goes to work, I sit there, people watching. I sip coffee, I write, I sketch, I draw, I notice. I put all those paper in my red Birkin bag. And then, I call it a day. I fly to somewhere else because i get bored and then fly back to that random city whenever i miss the love it gives me.
I daydream about Shanghai - in fact I am in Shanghai. I made my dream happen, again :).
I met my lover in Shanghai, we met at Asap Coffee.
28 June 25, I droped by Shanghai for only 48 hours, it's my second time. I was there just to play, and stop my mind from thinking - It's like Faye in Chunking Express blasting "California Dreaming" on her stereo, loudly.
My heart, my soul was at 0, when I was here, this time. If 0 has ever been described as a word for my state of mind, it would be "Emptyness" rather than "empty".
"empty" has been me for the past 3 years, since i was 27. To get rid of it, I kept reinventing myself, change my name, my style, my mindset, my belief systems, even my friends, and everything around me, or in another word - I escape to find my identity.
30 is reaching in less than 2 weeks. "empty" is replaced by "Emptyness". In a simplier way, i would say that: I am happier than ever, my friends.
People are awakened by losing. Losing love, losing job, losing money, losing stocks, losing family, losing a house, losing to their rival,...a lot of losing. For me, it's also "losing", but's i havent lost yet. I fear of it only.
I fear that: what if in my 30s, i still did exactly the same as what i had done in my 20s? - I would have lost myself.
Back to the love story,
I met him at Asap coffee, Shanghai. For him, I extended my trip for another 2 weeks for someone i just met.
I was crazy, I am crazy.
I asked him that 'if i stay with you, will you teach me everything you know?'. He was lookig at me while my eyes tearing up. He didn's said a word, and I still havent known his answer.
The last 14 days, we played a lot with each other, we discovered every corner of Shanghai. From the surburb, to the heart, from random grounded alley in Changning district with mosquito and house flies, to Plaza 66 - The place we first had our romantic dinner together.
He took me to shop, to eat, He drove me around, showing me streets, showing me where he lives, show me what his neighbors do. He took me to party, no, parties, a lot of parties. He took me to his favourite bars: from best, to worst, from prettiest, to ugliest.
He introduced me to his friends, those i'm grateful to connect with, those are flashy, fancy, hot, unfiltered, shy, sexy, drunk, funny and most importantly, beautiful at heart.
He said they are the part of him. I'm happy. What is the chance that a guy took someone he just met to be in his inner circle? I would more than 50% if he's a fuck boy and below 50% if he's a normal guy.
In my case, he is 100% the man. Just like me, i don't do random people.
At Asap coffee, The first time we met, he noticed me writing. He asked:
- "What are you writing?"
- "Haha, nothing, it's just random. I'm a writer" - I answered, and i lied. I didn't write before so how can i say that i'm a writer? But just that day i randomly wrote, so decided to become one.
- "It seems like no one writes these days anymore. It helps you see yourself" - He look at me, he sit aat the table on the window ledge, right next to me. I was at the corner.
We had casual talks, i told him about ,yself, and he did the same. He's genuine kind person, but very playful. I can sense people, that's my unique ability. We spent 5 hours talking, we drink total 4 cups of coffee.
That's how a love story began.
Today, he asked me out, he wanted to took me to Shanghai Tower, the tallest place in China for lunch and coffee.
Half way on Didi there, i decided to change the route. I went to Asap coffee instead. I ghosted him.
At Asap, I wrote.
I dont know where he is now, he sent me a lot of texts, he told me he was excited. Today, the sky is gloomy, the street is wet.
It's raning, I caught a cold,
I didn't tell him that.