Asap
Asap.
⸻ China, The Sountrack: "大齊 (Dà Qí)" by Zhou Xun (周迅) #01: Asap. SH, me - K.
Yesterday, I told SH that: “I’m gonna live every day as if it’s my last when i’m with you, sensei!”
⸻ Mood
Wednesday morning, July 2nd 2025. I woke up, I felt fear.
Digging behind this feeling, i found pressure - the pressure of not using all the time i have in the place i love and feel inspired the most - SH productively
I told him i need to complete my business plan within the next 8 days when i’m with him.
That morning was the second day.
I named this feeling “Fu Zao” - 浮躁.
Fu Zao is totally NOT my friend.
“I’m chill, No pressure” is the default reply to everyone who asks me whether i’m feeling ok.
⸻ “Big Mouse”
SH waits for meeeEeeee, i just woke up! - I reached my phone on the nightstand and sent him a text.
I had to go to class today.
I “wasted” another 30 minutes playing phone doing something i dont wanna say it here (if you know what i mean). The sun rose up high and shone throw the window to nodge me - the same way as my dad pulled out all the window in my bedroom every morning when i was school: Let’s get up. It’s late!
Unlike the sun and my dad, my bed is just like my mom. Its linen cloth is like her hands, putting my head on her lap, wrapped every inch of my face so tight, held me back and whispered to my ear, gently:
your face is so silly, *she smiled, you sleep very well right? let me hug you a little bit more, little baby, you were just like a mouse yesterday, now you has grown to a big mouse..*
Nobody has ever said this to me before..”big mouse?”. That is my earliest memory of “love”. Suddenly, I missed my mom hands on my face, the same way as the linen pillow i used to cover the radiant light that morning.
It’s “love”, it’s irresistable.
⸻ Heart v. Brain
I lazed around the hotel to find food to eat and location for my first private tutor class with him. He promised to teach me everything he knew.
In my heart, i just wanted to be with him and do nothiung. But in my mind, this feeling was translated into studying with my sensei at a nice coffee shop to finish my business plan.
Ok mind, let’s find a coffee shop. Who knew choosing a place to lock in was so hard that i distracted myself into finding a place do to manicure instead.
Sitting on a cab, i unconciously portrayed that morning as: a useless morning or honestly speaking as “I’m NOT chill, HAVE A LOT pressure”
⸻ Asap
I found a place called Asap Coffee. i texted SH the location.
It’s run by three girls — either sisters or friends.
Also,
Dog: There’s one in the shop. The dog is so cute. I’m scared of dogs, but that’s another story write next time.
Asap - The name of the store, the Paradox between “who i think i am” vs. “who i am”: a chill person wanting things to be Asap.?!!??
86 — The address number of this shop, my favourite number, my birthday, my launched day of my business: 6 August 25.
That’s the moment I know: I am here for a reason.
I texted SH: Hurry up, i found a cute place!
⸻ Class started.
I asked SH: “Is my last day in this world supposed to be a productive, full of achievement or a chill and no pressure day?”
⸻ SH looked at me, didn’t say a word. He moved his eye from mine to my note book in front. ‘he asked me to write’ - i thought.
Classic him, saying without saying anything at the same time.
As a good boy and a perfect student that i am, i followed without any hesitation to my teacher.
⸻ Extremely SH
SH is extremely handsome, i don’t know what is the suitable word to describe him, so i just lazily typed a tacky word “extremely” instead. It’s straight forward, no poetry, simple just as clear as the only single thought in my mind:
I love him
SH has been my crush, for so long, as long as i could remember. He is my type. The one that i will never tell all my friends when they are so busy about my love life. C’mon, i’m just 29, let me dream.
SH, I would fell for over and over again for you, if i could. It’s just fell so good, even 1 second thinking about your face.
⸻ Hey
I was day dreaming. Again.
He nodged me. SH asked me to convert my question into a statement instead.
There i wrote:
My last day is the most a productive with full of achievement with full of love, hope, and dream - 24 hours.
He saw my sentence, and asked me
Convert your question, not add, tweak the question, why suddenly there are love, hope and dream ?
Looking at him, I ignored SH, there i wrote:
⸻ Love.
The love for those I never express enough — Mom, Dad, brother, friends, or strangers on Instagram aka. internet friends around the world.
How can i squeeze all this love? What is the best and possible way for me to do? What will happen if I don’t rush within 24 hours?
I will die in a regretful way, i must admit, it’s kinda ugly..
Suddenly a thought sparked up, I raised my hand and told SH what in my mind:
SH, I always express my love and am grateful for people in my life, everyday. i wanna drop the word ‘almost’ before ‘everyday’ cus it’s kinda pathetic.
So, what is the difference if today I just express a little bit only by sending random messages about where i am, what i eat, who i meet or the dog in Asap who accompanied me? rather than calling them and tell them that: I will live today as my last day therefore here is the call to tell you that how much i love you.?!”
He listened patiently without saying anything. Then there was me, an uncomfortable ADHD person that i am, put on the urge to break the silence:
“My mom would have fainted if i called her and told her this. because she would probably think that i would commit sucicide at a place far away from home. My friends and all the people i know, will think im either crazy or high on MDMA...”
SH smiled and replied gently:
“There you go.”
His smile illuminate my face, cus he is “extremely” handsome, my sensei is “extremely” handsome i could die in his arm. I sparkled up:
“Hello SH sensei, I don’t know what ‘There you go’ means but I must tell you that you are extremely handsome. I want to say that i have no regret, no pressure for love - it’s you. i wanna tell you now because i told you yesterday i will live every day as if it’s my last. From now, everyday, i will be annoying person and student to you. i will keep yapping, sending random picture or sometimes seen your messages, then replying another totally random and unrelated thing. i have no regret, for love. i have accumulated it since the first time i knew you, since i was very young, through my TV screen at home. I put all of your pictures and saved it in my memory. I must tell you today, in case i was not here tomorrow. If I am lucky enough to live another day, the first thing i will do in the morning is sending you a text: ‘SH, where do you want to go?’. I have no regret now.”
...
The silence is so loud, only two of us as customers in Asap cafe.
SH took a deep breathe
I overly expressed myself.*
”I’m crazy sensei, sorry for being random and crazy, but you asked me to write about love, therefore i wrote about you, someone i have been loving for the longest time. Even tho i dont know whether you love me back or not or ‘i’m too young for you’. I mean - I dont mind and dont care at all if you ever think that way. i’m sorry if i made you uncomfortable now. i think i need to let you breathe..” - I explained myself.
“Oh, im not high dont get me wrong, you know people who is on MDMA always say i love you alot, Lorde also wrote that on ‘What Was That’, so don’t get me wrong..I didnt eat candy today..If i were high, it must be the coffee you order for me, your extremely handsome face that made me high..” - I replied proudly, my face turned red, she shade of shyness like Faye in Chang You album cover.
In his silence, my eyes opened up wide. I remembered just now, he took a deep breath.
Oh..he needed to breathe.
People need to breathe right? I don’t want my love to be breatheless. I must stop saying these, from now, i stop saying “a lot” to him, i will show him a little bit in stead.
That’s the moment i finsihed my firdt lesson.
SH didn’t even teach me a thing. I found Love
⸻ Hope.
The awkwarness and inappropriate tension between me - the handsome student - i’m handsome by the way, confident, self sufficient and always right. I’m K, my sensei is SH. I had been too loud for the past one hour.
I needed to change topic, an act of an ADHD kid would always do.
I told SH:
For hope..I hope i will finish my business plan this coming 8 days when i’m with you - my “How”, or else I will...
I didn’t finish the sentence. The thought of it scared me.
I won’t die, don’t worry. - I rushed in to finish the sentence.
”I set the deadline to launch it on my 30th birthday. I told it to the world aka. everyone i know as well as i dont know.
So, if i haven’t found out “How”. I might as well just buried my face in my pillow and be a disappointed child, delete my IG, go back home and let mom feeds me for the rest of my life, for long as she can...It’s sad right?!” - I asked SH sensei
Why do you want to find out “How”? - SH
Because it is my whole life from now, my business. If i cannot finished, “How” i will live. My live stop you know?” - K.
I found “What” and “Why” recently - it’s the start of my new life, my business. It’s called: ***** ********** - *it’s about Love and Beauty. - K.
Tell me more in a simplier way please - SH
I love to help everyone see beauty in life, whatever form it is - K
What is Beauty? Why everyone needs to see it? - SH
It’s her, not “it”, I saw Beauty, she is a woman, she told me the other day. - K
Huh? - SH
If you dont believe, you could go find her and asked about her gender. - K
Ok. Tell me where she is, i will come and ask. - SH
He clocked me. I was stunt, I really don’t know where she is. But then i need to improvised and made up the answer. I told him, confidently:
Beauty is right in front of me. She is inside a beautiful man who is teaching me “How”. Beauty screams from the texture of the green washed tiles outside this coffee shop. She lurks through those houses in Yuyuan raod. I saw the other day. Beauty poked me with the ray of sunlight - 39 degree. She hit my skin while i lazing bed this morning - K.
Beauty hides in Zhaohua East Road decorated by line of trees. Beauty is Asap, the dog, 86 and the three girls and everyone here with us - K
Ok and? - SH
“Everyone should see her, beauty loves to invite everyone to her party, I was there the other day. It’s beautiful. It’s full of fun things to play, I’m an ADHD kid, if i found it interesting, i believe people would amazed by her party too, SH sensei!!! - K
But I know, not everybody has a luxury of time like me to join her party since i quit my job last week. - K
I’m just free. - K
You are free - SH re-phrased my words, gently.
“Beauty sent you an invitation to her party. It’s called “How”, she also sent “Hope” to pick you up this morning. That’s why you wrote about it just now.” - He told me. He is extremely handsome.
What do you mean? - I’m confused.
I looked up, recalled my morning, I didn’t see any “Hope” let alone the “How” party.?! I made this story up, and he played along with me. He is just a bad person, he just wanted to tease me. 😠😒.
The only thing i saw this morning is my anger and the smell taxi i sat on the way coming to Asap coffee.
I sat in a Taxi Didi.
I smelled the old, dirty vehicle. It’s coated with a thick cigarette scent and dusted seat. I always take premier Didi. I can’t help this habits because i’m spoilt. There is nothing wrong with that. I deserve to have premium thing.
But why i booked it? This morning, I thought a economy car would save me some money now that i dont have a salary. Also, the coffee shop is not very far away..
Reached the Asap, the taxi shu shu screamt at me in Mandarin. I didn’t pay. He looked angry.
I checked my phone and realized that: Oh i forgot, i assumed i have already paid when i booked, it’s just economic taxi, not a premium Didi.
I said sorry, he smiled at me and said: “Bu ke qi”.
I thanked Shu Shu, one part for not angry with me anymore, another part for taking me to the place to be with my love: SH.
He told me: “Man Zou Ah” - I love this phrase. So much that in my heart, it’s like a deary word that someone really care, said to you.
Shu Shu said it to me.
He is actually a kind person. What are the chances if I reflected the anger: my assumption that he was angry, back to him?
I don’t know.
Writing until here, I just hope that he have a beautiful life and that everything he deserves, and love. I wish him all the best he can have in life. Thank you for being patient with me.
SH suddenly jumped in with his signature line from Love above:
“There you go: hope”
So that’s Hope?
Ohhhh, i realized. waiittt..Beauty sent “Hope” to pick me up.
Hope is Shu Shu.
I hope for him. Yayyyy, i found the answer, it’s a bit stupid and i dont know how to explain to you but. Yay. Hope picked me up.
I found it. I found “Hope” I found “Hope” hehehehe! - With glitter in my eye, i look at SH.
And i write it down right now, this is “How” i would find my life - my business. I found the answer SH sensei.”
I found hope.
⸻ Dream.
Hmmm I haven’t written anything yet - my business plan the whole morning, i was just yapping around.
I got distracted by a lot of things - Love, Hope and some house flies bugging my leg at Asap coffee.
It’s difficult.
I haven’t written even a single page for my plan and i got lost in SH sensei’s beautiful eyes.
But it’s okay, no rush cus “I’m just gonna breathe” - the lesson SH sensei taught me in his first class this morning today.
I know I’m gonna finish it one day regardless cus that is my dream.
I’m just gonna breathe, chill and relax from now. - I told SH.
My mind is not a machine. I need to flow, and feel the flow. I need to breathe, receive and express with my mood. So that my creation will be authentic. I hate forced things, and I can also sense when somebody is forced to do something.
Why did I squeeze dream at Asap on the last day of my life? - K
It’s already packed, folded and squeezed. In your head. - SH replied.
In my head? - I acted confused so that he could explain to me more with his gentle voice.
Your dream is already: inside your head. why do you need to find it, carry it then depress yourself, isn’t it you carry your head everyday right? - SH laughed.
The fear that I have to squeeze, note down and carry all my dreams in one day — is actually the fear of assigning myself the visual of a headless person - physically, and characteristic of a man who is irresponsible for his life.
Which I’m not.
So why should I be scared? hahahahaha - Confidence sparked up my face, I laughed with him.
HAHAHAHAHA - It’s us, together, laughing.
The fear disappears.
I found my dream, again.
⸻
The class ended. SH rushed home, he left me alone with a bunch of homeworks.
Asap coffee: my first classroom masks as a shop. it lifts me up — it gives me a slow and random life that says:
Breathe, jump on a taxi and carry your head. It’s “How” how you do your business - your life.
I realized and learned that not everything has to be serious. I have been brained washed by start-up culture, by those bunch of straight guys who worship suffering and torture as the condition of success.
I throw it away: that is garbage. My business is about love and beauty, there is no place for garbage like that. Goodbye.
You don’t have to suffer to be who you are. - I hope and send this back to Beauty.
You just be true to myself.
At the end of the day, do you think I’d let myself down — aka let me sleep on the street? Nah, that’s not the case, I’m not afraid of that because that is not the fact. - I told myself again.
⸻ “How”
I found the answer: “Is my last day in this world supposed to be a productive, full of achievement or a chill and no pressure day?” It is: My last day is just breathing, hopping on a cab and carry my head to see beauty. That’s all.
I rewrite::
Yesterday, I told SH that: “I’m gonna live every day as if it’s my last when i’m with you, sensei!” into Today, I want to be with you - SH.
He has already left the class, so no, the whole class he barely spoke, only me as the one wrote. SH is just an extremely handsome guy. Who is introvert.
But i know he is super rich.
I wanna be like him, one day.
⸻ Dear SH.
Thank you for giving me your courage to live every day like it’s my last. Even when i cannot make sense out of what you have taught me.
Oh, and for the first time i write and a dog came to me and asked me to pet him at Asap.
I used to be scared of dogs.
But somehow, I’m okay now.
I loved petting him.
ilysh.